Some days you just don't know how to put your feelings on paper. I'm so frustrated. I just miss my baby so much. I can't stand having dreams about him just to wake up and realize that I won't ever get that time with him. Those first few blissful moments right after I wake up are the worst. You go from happy to your world crashing down (again) in about 5 seconds. Dreams might help some people but they just make me more sad. Someone asked me what it was like... to lose a child. Well, all I could say is that it's like losing a part of yourself. When your child dies, you feel like part of you died with them. It's like losing everything that ever mattered. Some people might say that's a little dramatic but that's how it was for me. I believe I'll feel the same earth shattering pain if I ever lost another as well. Each child is a gift and a wonderful miracle on their own. No matter how many I have, I'll love them all that much.
Was looking through pictures today... found this one. It was taken when we were 24 weeks along. I can't believe that we were saying goodbye to our sweet son less than four weeks after this picture was taken. How fast things changed. I can remember how torn I was about posting pictures like this because of everything that was going on with his health... but I'm glad I have them. This should have been his first Halloween this year. He probably would have been walking and talking by now. Before long, he would have been gaining his independence and wouldn't need mommy so much. As hard as that is, I am so sad that I'll never see him grow up into a strong, thriving little boy. *sigh* I sure do miss him. I still wonder what things would have been like. I still have dreams of a little boy with mommy's blue eyes and daddy's dark hair who gives the best hugs... then when I wake up, I'm both happy and sad. I love dreaming about him... but hate waking up to a world where he isn't. I miss him so very much.
Well, had a very proud daddy at work showing off the ultrasound pictures of their sweet little girl. Brings back memories. :) Mostly good ones. I remember the day we finally found out Connor was a little boy. Sam had to work so I went to the doctor by myself that day. We'd tried unsuccessfully to get the gender for several appointments. As soon as she said it was a boy, I burst out in a mix of laughter and tears and texted Sam. I was so thrilled... I always dreamed of a little boy... and I was sad because he was so very sick. Then I met him for lunch and showed the ultrasound pictures to him and his boss.... and for a few short minutes, nothing else mattered. We were having a baby. A boy. And we were normal parents for a few minutes. It didn't take us long after that to name him. Partly because I was so eager to give this little man an identity and partly because we didn't know how much time we would have to choose one. Connor had always been one of my favorites but I couldn't find a middle name that fit... until he said it. James. Connor James. It was perfect. I miss our time together. It was hectic, scary and probably the best and worst 7 months of my life. The best part was my time with my baby. The worst... knowing something was terribly wrong. It was torture. But, anytime I was feeling bad I would just sit around and touch my tummy. He would just be kicking in there. It was wonderful. And amazing. Even though the tests kept showing worse and worse things, I kept believing he would pull through.... he had already done so much to prove the doctors wrong! I honestly had the most faith I think I have ever had... I was so confident that God would come through for my baby. I was so confident He wouldn't let this happen. I think that is why my faith suffered so much when we lost him. It was like getting slapped in the face. I'm just feeling nostalgic today. He should have just turned 17 months old... he should be dressed up, trick-or-treating... we should be reading him a bedtime story and tucking him in. It's frustrating. I miss him so much. I want to be so happy for other people, and I am... it's just still so painful... my heart aches and is joyous at the same time. It's confusing I know. Anyway, just a post to update everyone and get some of my pent-up feelings out.
My candles I lit for my baby. Picture is a few days late, I know. :) I've been meaning to put it up since Monday night. We miss you sweet boy! Mommy doesn't know what to do without you sometimes. You should have been walking by now... you and your sister should have been going Trick-or-Treat together. You should have had a ball opening presents this Christmas. *sigh* Mommy loves you and misses you so very much.
Update:
My baby brother did not have surgery. They want to watch him because they aren't sure that surgery is
Baby brother with his eyes open. Look at that sweet face. He gets transferred Monday to have surgery for his stage 3 brain hemorrhage later this week. Please keep him in your prayers!! Your sissy love you Tyler!!!
Now, onto the whole topic of CMV. I'm feeling very aggravated with the state of things... WHY can't doctors see that this is an issue! This is something that can be prevented... but only if parents KNOW ABOUT IT!!!! I miss my baby. Had we known... they ignored the fact that I was sick. I had all of the most common symptoms (mono-like) and they never said anything to me. Am I angry? Yes... still. I'm trying to get better but they are not the ones who heard for months that her baby was going to die. They did not have to stand by and watch as their child developed more problems... they didn't have to go through all the tests and to all the specialists. To them... it isn't real. But to me, and all of the families affected by CMV, it is. It is a daily battle, whether it be doctors appointments and medicine or dealing with the grief of your child's death. We're going to keep fighting for awareness. I don't want any more families to have to do this... to have their child ripped away from them or to have to watch their child struggle. Mommy loves you sweet angel boy. I miss you so much.
Wow! I didn't realize it has been a whole month since I wrote last. I've mostly been working and sleeping. Guess there hasn't been a whole lot of time to write! If someone would have told me a year ago that I'd feel better one day, I would have laughed in their face. I think I'm finally learning to cope a little better. It seems like I do really well for a while and then crash again. There's still a hole in my heart and I can feel the pain... but it's not so unbearable... today. There's no telling what tomorrow will bring. On a happy note, Sam and I are just four short days away from our 2 year anniversary. <3 Since the last update, I've become a BIG SISTER!!!! Exciting right? He wonderful and super cute. But he's going to need a lot of prayers. Tyler was born at 33 weeks on 9/26/2012. He weighed 4lbs and 6 ounces. Little Tyler is going in for surgery on Monday. He has blood in the ventricals of his brain and it isn't going away on it's own. So he's going to need a shunt. Not exactly what we wanted but he's still doing really well. He's no longer on the respirator and he's always looking around and my dad said he was even trying to talk the other day. I believe in him but it sure wouldn't hurt to have a few more prayers going his way. :)
Well. On that note, I have to get back to work! I'll try to keep this updated!
I've been thinking about my very few moments with my son a lot lately. I really wish I had done things differently. I wish I would have been more difficult and made them take me to see him... but I honestly believed he would live. I honestly believed that I would be able to hold him and look into his sweet eyes the next day. I thought "he can hold on for me". But he couldn't. Even with everything I did and all the decisions I made, it wasn't enough. His tiny, frail body couldn't keep up. I wish I had demanded to hold him longer. I wish there were more pictures. I wish someone would have told me about all the professional services there are for these sort of situations. I was just so confused... none of it had settled in. I was in a fog. I remember very little outside of the short time I held him in my arms. I do remember that it didn't completely settle in that I was leaving without my baby until the nurses helped me in the car a day later to go home. I had no car seat in the back, no baby to hold, nothing. It's still so hard. Some days it feels like I lost him yesterday. I can still feel him kicking me... and I still dream about being pregnant with him... dream of his childhood. The childhood he'll never have.Sometimes, things just hit you all at once... and you think about everything you should have done... should have said. I still miss my baby. I never really got to say good-bye. I have realized that I wasn't ready to say good-bye. Maybe in my mind, that was the only way to keep him... as if not telling him good-bye would make him stay. But, it didn't. If only life worked that way.
Having a hard time this weekend. It's been rough on me here lately. Having my sweet step daughter over helps but I still keep thinking about how she should be playing with him now. He'd have been 15 months old now.... he should have been learning to walk (or run) and following his big sister around. And probably taking all of her toys :). But unfortunately it's not like that at all. It's just hard. Still feels like everyone else is moving on and having more babies and leaving me behind... because I'm still stuck some days... this shouldn't be how our journey with our son ended. I don't know. Just still having some really hard times sometimes. Especially after hearing things that some people say about grieving parents. Just a side note. I will never stop missing my baby boy. I will never stop talking about him. I will never stop advocating for him and spreading the word about CMV. This doesn't make me mentally ill or unstable. It makes me a mother. Don't like it? Pretend I don't exist because it's exactly what I'll be doing for you.
It's crazy to think that we were expecting our baby to arrive around this time last year... or at least that was the original plan. Even though he was born in May, he wasn't due until around August 15th, 2011. Last night was the first time I looked at the date and actually realized why I've been having such a hard time lately. I guess I was so caught up in the here and now that I didn't even put two and two together and realize that I missed the anniversary of his due date. Talk about feeling like a bad mom for a second. I know that the first time I passed his due date it was so hard... it was just shy of 3 months after I lost him. But, the date that still really resonates in my mind is in May. Considering that was the day I met my son, I'd say it's definitely more memorable. I think about him a lot. It's still hard to see very pregnant women and new babies... but I don't hold the same anger toward it as I used to. I'm coming to a point where I can honestly be happy for other people now. Does it still hurt? Of course. But I'm glad that I can look into another mommy's eyes and tell her that her baby is beautiful and that I'm happy for them.... and actually mean it. Slowly but surely some of my wounds are healing. I'm still battling with a lot. I still hold his things, kiss his urn goodnight and cuddle my healing heart pillow at night. It's nice to feel the weight in my arms where Connor should be, even though it isn't the same.
Mommy loves you sweet boy. I found the note I wrote to you when we first found out we were pregnant... I remember it took me days to write and I was going to save it for you. Sadly you'll never read the words. It was bittersweet to read it. I felt my happiness oozing from the page while I sat there and realized you'd never know what I dreamed for you, hoped for you and how much I love you. We miss you.