I've been thinking about my very few moments with my son a lot lately. I really wish I had done things differently. I wish I would have been more difficult and made them take me to see him... but I honestly believed he would live. I honestly believed that I would be able to hold him and look into his sweet eyes the next day. I thought "he can hold on for me". But he couldn't. Even with everything I did and all the decisions I made, it wasn't enough. His tiny, frail body couldn't keep up. I wish I had demanded to hold him longer. I wish there were more pictures. I wish someone would have told me about all the professional services there are for these sort of situations. I was just so confused... none of it had settled in. I was in a fog. I remember very little outside of the short time I held him in my arms. I do remember that it didn't completely settle in that I was leaving without my baby until the nurses helped me in the car a day later to go home. I had no car seat in the back, no baby to hold, nothing. It's still so hard. Some days it feels like I lost him yesterday. I can still feel him kicking me... and I still dream about being pregnant with him... dream of his childhood. The childhood he'll never have.Sometimes, things just hit you all at once... and you think about everything you should have done... should have said. I still miss my baby. I never really got to say good-bye. I have realized that I wasn't ready to say good-bye. Maybe in my mind, that was the only way to keep him... as if not telling him good-bye would make him stay. But, it didn't. If only life worked that way.
Having a hard time this weekend. It's been rough on me here lately. Having my sweet step daughter over helps but I still keep thinking about how she should be playing with him now. He'd have been 15 months old now.... he should have been learning to walk (or run) and following his big sister around. And probably taking all of her toys :). But unfortunately it's not like that at all. It's just hard. Still feels like everyone else is moving on and having more babies and leaving me behind... because I'm still stuck some days... this shouldn't be how our journey with our son ended. I don't know. Just still having some really hard times sometimes. Especially after hearing things that some people say about grieving parents. Just a side note. I will never stop missing my baby boy. I will never stop talking about him. I will never stop advocating for him and spreading the word about CMV. This doesn't make me mentally ill or unstable. It makes me a mother. Don't like it? Pretend I don't exist because it's exactly what I'll be doing for you.