It's crazy to think that we were expecting our baby to arrive around this time last year... or at least that was the original plan. Even though he was born in May, he wasn't due until around August 15th, 2011. Last night was the first time I looked at the date and actually realized why I've been having such a hard time lately. I guess I was so caught up in the here and now that I didn't even put two and two together and realize that I missed the anniversary of his due date. Talk about feeling like a bad mom for a second. I know that the first time I passed his due date it was so hard... it was just shy of 3 months after I lost him. But, the date that still really resonates in my mind is in May. Considering that was the day I met my son, I'd say it's definitely more memorable. I think about him a lot. It's still hard to see very pregnant women and new babies... but I don't hold the same anger toward it as I used to. I'm coming to a point where I can honestly be happy for other people now. Does it still hurt? Of course. But I'm glad that I can look into another mommy's eyes and tell her that her baby is beautiful and that I'm happy for them.... and actually mean it. Slowly but surely some of my wounds are healing. I'm still battling with a lot. I still hold his things, kiss his urn goodnight and cuddle my healing heart pillow at night. It's nice to feel the weight in my arms where Connor should be, even though it isn't the same.
Mommy loves you sweet boy. I found the note I wrote to you when we first found out we were pregnant... I remember it took me days to write and I was going to save it for you. Sadly you'll never read the words. It was bittersweet to read it. I felt my happiness oozing from the page while I sat there and realized you'd never know what I dreamed for you, hoped for you and how much I love you. We miss you.
<3 Goodnight everyone.
Mommy loves you sweet boy. I found the note I wrote to you when we first found out we were pregnant... I remember it took me days to write and I was going to save it for you. Sadly you'll never read the words. It was bittersweet to read it. I felt my happiness oozing from the page while I sat there and realized you'd never know what I dreamed for you, hoped for you and how much I love you. We miss you.
<3 Goodnight everyone.