Well, had a very proud daddy at work showing off the ultrasound pictures of their sweet little girl. Brings back memories. :) Mostly good ones. I remember the day we finally found out Connor was a little boy. Sam had to work so I went to the doctor by myself that day. We'd tried unsuccessfully to get the gender for several appointments. As soon as she said it was a boy, I burst out in a mix of laughter and tears and texted Sam. I was so thrilled... I always dreamed of a little boy... and I was sad because he was so very sick. Then I met him for lunch and showed the ultrasound pictures to him and his boss.... and for a few short minutes, nothing else mattered. We were having a baby. A boy. And we were normal parents for a few minutes. It didn't take us long after that to name him. Partly because I was so eager to give this little man an identity and partly because we didn't know how much time we would have to choose one. Connor had always been one of my favorites but I couldn't find a middle name that fit... until he said it. James. Connor James. It was perfect. I miss our time together. It was hectic, scary and probably the best and worst 7 months of my life. The best part was my time with my baby. The worst... knowing something was terribly wrong. It was torture. But, anytime I was feeling bad I would just sit around and touch my tummy. He would just be kicking in there. It was wonderful. And amazing. Even though the tests kept showing worse and worse things, I kept believing he would pull through.... he had already done so much to prove the doctors wrong! I honestly had the most faith I think I have ever had... I was so confident that God would come through for my baby. I was so confident He wouldn't let this happen. I think that is why my faith suffered so much when we lost him. It was like getting slapped in the face. I'm just feeling nostalgic today. He should have just turned 17 months old... he should be dressed up, trick-or-treating... we should be reading him a bedtime story and tucking him in. It's frustrating. I miss him so much. I want to be so happy for other people, and I am... it's just still so painful... my heart aches and is joyous at the same time. It's confusing I know. Anyway, just a post to update everyone and get some of my pent-up feelings out.
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