Well, had a very proud daddy at work showing off the ultrasound pictures of their sweet little girl. Brings back memories. :) Mostly good ones. I remember the day we finally found out Connor was a little boy. Sam had to work so I went to the doctor by myself that day. We'd tried unsuccessfully to get the gender for several appointments. As soon as she said it was a boy, I burst out in a mix of laughter and tears and texted Sam. I was so thrilled... I always dreamed of a little boy... and I was sad because he was so very sick. Then I met him for lunch and showed the ultrasound pictures to him and his boss.... and for a few short minutes, nothing else mattered. We were having a baby. A boy. And we were normal parents for a few minutes. It didn't take us long after that to name him. Partly because I was so eager to give this little man an identity and partly because we didn't know how much time we would have to choose one. Connor had always been one of my favorites but I couldn't find a middle name that fit... until he said it. James. Connor James. It was perfect. I miss our time together. It was hectic, scary and probably the best and worst 7 months of my life. The best part was my time with my baby. The worst... knowing something was terribly wrong. It was torture. But, anytime I was feeling bad I would just sit around and touch my tummy. He would just be kicking in there. It was wonderful. And amazing. Even though the tests kept showing worse and worse things, I kept believing he would pull through.... he had already done so much to prove the doctors wrong! I honestly had the most faith I think I have ever had... I was so confident that God would come through for my baby. I was so confident He wouldn't let this happen. I think that is why my faith suffered so much when we lost him. It was like getting slapped in the face. I'm just feeling nostalgic today. He should have just turned 17 months old... he should be dressed up, trick-or-treating... we should be reading him a bedtime story and tucking him in. It's frustrating. I miss him so much. I want to be so happy for other people, and I am... it's just still so painful... my heart aches and is joyous at the same time. It's confusing I know. Anyway, just a post to update everyone and get some of my pent-up feelings out.
My candles I lit for my baby. Picture is a few days late, I know. :) I've been meaning to put it up since Monday night. We miss you sweet boy! Mommy doesn't know what to do without you sometimes. You should have been walking by now... you and your sister should have been going Trick-or-Treat together. You should have had a ball opening presents this Christmas. *sigh* Mommy loves you and misses you so very much.
My baby brother did not have surgery. They want to watch him because they aren't sure that surgery is
Baby brother with his eyes open. Look at that sweet face. He gets transferred Monday to have surgery for his stage 3 brain hemorrhage later this week. Please keep him in your prayers!! Your sissy love you Tyler!!!
Now, onto the whole topic of CMV. I'm feeling very aggravated with the state of things... WHY can't doctors see that this is an issue! This is something that can be prevented... but only if parents KNOW ABOUT IT!!!! I miss my baby. Had we known... they ignored the fact that I was sick. I had all of the most common symptoms (mono-like) and they never said anything to me. Am I angry? Yes... still. I'm trying to get better but they are not the ones who heard for months that her baby was going to die. They did not have to stand by and watch as their child developed more problems... they didn't have to go through all the tests and to all the specialists. To them... it isn't real. But to me, and all of the families affected by CMV, it is. It is a daily battle, whether it be doctors appointments and medicine or dealing with the grief of your child's death. We're going to keep fighting for awareness. I don't want any more families to have to do this... to have their child ripped away from them or to have to watch their child struggle. Mommy loves you sweet angel boy. I miss you so much.
Wow! I didn't realize it has been a whole month since I wrote last. I've mostly been working and sleeping. Guess there hasn't been a whole lot of time to write! If someone would have told me a year ago that I'd feel better one day, I would have laughed in their face. I think I'm finally learning to cope a little better. It seems like I do really well for a while and then crash again. There's still a hole in my heart and I can feel the pain... but it's not so unbearable... today. There's no telling what tomorrow will bring. On a happy note, Sam and I are just four short days away from our 2 year anniversary. <3 Since the last update, I've become a BIG SISTER!!!! Exciting right? He wonderful and super cute. But he's going to need a lot of prayers. Tyler was born at 33 weeks on 9/26/2012. He weighed 4lbs and 6 ounces. Little Tyler is going in for surgery on Monday. He has blood in the ventricals of his brain and it isn't going away on it's own. So he's going to need a shunt. Not exactly what we wanted but he's still doing really well. He's no longer on the respirator and he's always looking around and my dad said he was even trying to talk the other day. I believe in him but it sure wouldn't hurt to have a few more prayers going his way. :)
Well. On that note, I have to get back to work! I'll try to keep this updated!