Well. Spending time with our little girl today was nice. We always miss her when she's gone. Starting my new job tomorrow. A little nervous but this will be good for us. :) Thinking a lot about my sweet boy. He just keeps popping into my head. I've had a nervous feeling that I just can't get rid of but who knows why! I think thing might finally be starting to fall together for us. Good night all!
Not much to write about today. It's been a really busy week. I have been missing Connor a lot here lately. I just can't seem to shake these blues. It's always and on and off sort of thing. One minute you're fine, then next, not so much. :) Have a great night guys!
Well, cleaned the house and cleaned everything on Connor's shelf. I always feel somewhat accomplished when I get his things all spic-and-span. I hate to see them collect dust. I suppose it is just one of those things that happens. I held his little urn today and thought about him a lot. He would be 14 months old right now. I wonder what he would have looked like and how he would be progressing. But, for once, the thought doesn't totally depress me. Yes, it makes me sad that I will never know these things for sure but I am grateful for the time I spent with my son. I am also grateful for my wonderful imagination that breathes life into the dreams that were shattered when Connor died. I do miss him so much. You can not understand the empty spot this has left in my soul. But, I am learning to live with this part of my life. Not just going through the motions either. Actually living. It's nice to finally be able to connect with other human beings again and I am glad that I am finally making more friends. I miss my baby terribly. I hope that he knows how much I love him and is keeping an eye on me. I don't see how I would have made it if he wasn't. :) Anyway, very random post.
Well, it seems like things are finally getting a little better. I am re-dedicating myself to getting the word out about CMV. I have finally found my determination that I had lost at some point in my grief journey. I was so bogged down that I lost sight of the important things. But I think I am finally starting to get back to normal. I have to find a way to do some sort of fundraiser for the CMV foundation but I have not quite decided the details yet. I am thinking.... BAKE SALE. Everyone loves baked goods right? Well, just a quick note before I head off to bed. Good night everyone!
<3 Mommy and daddy miss you Connor! <3
I have changed the design and layout of my website. Not only can you click on the tabs but some have drop-down menus now! I am taking a new leap toward CMV awareness. I will be keeping up with this and the website and trying to keep pertinent information about CMV on here. I will also continue to list my sources so that no one is confused about where my information comes from. If you have any suggestions about what I should include on my website or would like to send me anything about your angel, just use the "Contact Me" section under the "more..." tab.
A lot of things are going through my mind tonight as I sit here holding my Healing Hearts pillow in my lap. As I was searching through some things, trying to clean, I found these. These are Cardinals tickets. Not just any Cardinals tickets. These are from the game we went to the day before I was admitted to the hospital. I somehow knew it would happen. I remember the day very well. I was trying to calm down about our doctor's appointment the next day. I just knew there was something wrong. I knew things weren't getting any better, I spent the whole game poking him in my tummy because he was really sluggish the first half of the game. I think he felt my anxiety,
Point is, I think it's crazy that you can look at something and be taken back to another time. No matter if it was happy or sad... or a little of both. I didn't even realize that this was the day before we were admitted until tonight when I looked at the tickets, It seemed like the two events were weeks apart in my head... everything just went so quickly and everything changed so fast. I mean wow. Does anyone else feel this way sometimes?
Alright. Now that we have passed our first year mark and then some, I think I am finally coming to a place where I am not lost in my grief. I am beginning to come back into my own skin, although it has changed a little. I don't think I will get to the blog every day but I will try to do better than once every five months!!! I thought writing in a blog would help me as I was (and still am) grieving my son but I found that I already have so much going on that it falls to the way-side a lot. I am currently loving my job, my family and most parts of my life. :) I don't think I am ever going to stop grieving. Granted, I don't fall apart every day or even every week anymore but I still have my moments. Just a month ago, I found myself crying into a bowl of lima beans because I hadn't had them since I was pregnant and I was taken back to the last time I had eaten them. When everything was normal and we were still expecting a baby. And although I am still crying inside more frequently than I like to admit, those tears are not reaching my eyes near as often as they have in the past. I have not delved much into things about Connor's birthdate and year other than knowing that his birthstone is Emerald. What I learned today. My son's flower is : Lily of the Valley or Hawthorn meaning "Sweetness; Humility; Return of Happiness / Fertility; Hope". His zodiac sign is Taurus. The website says " The zodiac sign of the Taurus is one of strength, nobility, and of course, endurance (both physical and emotional). Taurus is also renowned for wisdom and good decision making. This sign falls within a 31 day window, beginning on April 21st, and completing on May 21st. Taurus has strength days, meaning a true Taurus has his or her full characteristic from April 28th until May 14th, and completing on May 21st. Taurus has strength days, meaning a true Taurus has his or her full characteristic from April 28th until May 14th."
Then I read this under fun facts. " Babies born on 5/20/2011 will start kindergarten in 2016, be old enough to drive a car in 2027, finish high school in 2029, and will graduate from college with the class of 2033, give or take a year. Can you imagine?"
Wow... no, I can not imagine. My son will never have his first day of school. He will never come running to me when he gets hurt. He'll never be able to call me mommy. He'll never do anything that we dreamed of since we found out that we were going to be blessed with a baby. A mother not only has to let go of her child physically but she also has to learn to let go of all the dreams she had for them. Will I ever be able to do that? I'm not sure... probably not if I were to make a guess right now. Most people don't think about that. About the fact that you dreamed of the day your child would say mama for the first time or his first day of school. You dreamed about what it would be like to hear him laugh and see him play. When you lose a child, all of those dreams are ripped away from you too.