Hi sweet boy. Your sister just left to go back to her moms. She talks about you a lot... and we always blow you kisses as we walk by. I miss you a lot....sometimes it just hits me. I had a dream about losing you... it was like it was happening all over again. I was walking through some baby store... I couldn't stand to look at everything around me. It still seems so unfair. You would have loved it here and mommy and daddy would have taken really good care of you. You would be getting ready to make your debut in the next two weeks... I wish I could have gotten that time with you. You changed my life the moment I found out about you... we were so happy... after we found out that something was wrong, it seems like we were so torn between being happy and sad all at the same time... I cried all the time for you and for us.... I still do. I love you so very much my sweet boy. I feel like I can never express how much. I lost a piece of me the day I lost you
I thought about you a lot today sweet boy... I just realized that it never gets "easy"... some days I miss you so much and I just end up making myself anxious... I literally make myself sick thinking thinking about how I will never get to hold you again or walk you into your first day of school...I wish we could get more traffic into your site... I feel like people need to know about CMV so that their babies don't have to fight like you did... I know you were here for a reason... and taken away for another... but I can't see it. I realized that some days I still feel like my entire world is crashing down... I feel like breaking into tears for no particular reason... and every time I have to tell someone that I used to have a baby but he's my angel now, it makes my heart break. It's still not fair. It never will be. It still hurts. I think it always will. Mommy misses you more than anyone could ever know Connor. I never thought that I would miss your little head on my bladder or your feet in my ribs... but some days, I find myself holding my hand on my tummy in the hopes that you'll still kick me back. It hurts so much... and I'm sorry if you had to feel any pain... I'm sorry I couldn't be next to you any of the 14 hours of your short life... I would have been there for all of them if I could have. I'm glad you got to know your daddy a little before you left... but I wanted you to stay with us...point is that I miss you and I love you more than my heart can stand... Keep watching over mommy and daddy. I know you're making Heaven quite a place to be and I'll be glad to see you again.
Oh boy... I can already tell that I'll be thinking about you lots tomorrow... I feel like I'm moving on without you... I guess that's because I am, but only because I have to sweet boy. It's like I've been living someone else's life for the past few months. Like I wasn't aware of the circumstances. I guess you do what you have to in order to survive. I had a great weekend with your dad... we goofed off and did some dorky stuff, which was nice... but I always come back to thinking about you and how you'll never get to be goofy with us... how you'll never say your first word or take your first step... and it breaks my heart. I build my expectations up so high that it's hard for me to let go... I just assumed I would be having a baby shower, decorating a nursery and bringing home a healthy baby... I just assumed that I would have all the time in the world to hold you, kiss you and remind you how much I love you... so, for me, I feel like I missed out on a detrimental part of parenthood... on every part... and for you, I feel like it wasn't fair that you had to fight every day of your short little life and that you had to have so much medical intervention to start with... we only did it because we thought as long as you wanted to fight, we'd let you.... because we love you and wanted you to have a shot at life... because I wasn't going to be the person to choose to let go... that was your choice... and I know that you had to, even though I hope you didn't want to... we would have been a perfect little family and you would have been loved more than anything... you still are. I love you so much baby boy and I miss you more.
Oh boy... I am super excited about next week... I think that it will be great to get out of the house and not have to walk by his urn a hundred times a day. I know people think I'm weird... but I like to hold his urn sometimes... or his blanket from the hospital... or his clothes... it's still hard to find those things sometimes. I look at your scrapbook all the time... I try to be thankful for the short time you had and all the people you've touched. I was the luckiest mommy to get to carry you for 27 whole weeks... although I wish it could have been so much longer. I miss feeling your kicks and hiccups.... I miss getting that special time with you in the morning when I would talk to you and you would kick back in response... I miss you rolling around when the music was on... and I miss touching you... holding your sweet tiny hand... you were like a doll... I love you so much. Your sister looks at your pictures too and she knows your name... she knows that the things on the cabinet in the kitchen are yours... and she blows you kisses all the time. We love you baby and miss you so very much.
Oh sweet boy... guess what?! Mommy got a job today. It's only a temporary job but anything helps right now!! I'm sure you had a hand in things working out a little better... I miss you so much baby boy. You are the best thing that's ever happened to me. And yes, I still say that I have two little ones... my sweet step-daughter and my only son. :) People everywhere are moved by your story little man. You were a tough baby and mommy and daddy are so very proud of your fighting nature. Just like us. :) Stubborn as a bull. But your poor little body just couldn't keep up with your will to live. I've thought about you a lot today. A lot lately. I think about how big you'd be... what color your hair would have turned... whether you'd still look like me or if you'd start taking after daddy... but I also think about how I would have hated to see you suffer everyday... how hard it would have been on you if you pulled through... and I am thankful that you didn't have to suffer. I love you more than the moon and the stars Connor James... and I miss you more.
I just realized tonight that I think that I'm going to be okay... I'm glad that my poor Connor didn't have to live through the devastating effects of CMV. I'm always going to have hard days...and I'll always miss him... but I'm going to be okay...
Today was the day two moths ago when the best day of my life turned into the worst. My sweet little boy got his wings. I used to love the song "If I die young.." by The Band Perry.... I suppose because I never had a tragedy to compare it to... but now I do. And I just can't seem to find the will to sing to it anymore. Now "If heaven wasn't so far away" by Justin Moore is more my style. I'd sing about dying young if I didn't know about it first hand too... or if I could, say, make enough money to find a way back in time so that I could just see him again. But unfortunately, it will never happen. So, I'll just have to soldier on and hope that my story helps one person learn of the risks of CMV and hopefully stop it. It was too late for my sweet Connor... you'd think since I worked in day care for 3 years that I would have heard about contracting CMV... but I didn't. So today... it's time to pick myself up.
Going job hunting. Wish me luck.
So... today has been really hard for me. I was of course feeling a little down this morning but as the day went on, it just got worse. I felt like I couldn't stop the water works. I mean, come on... I never want to forget my sweet baby boy... but I wish I could think of him in a happier light sometimes... I just miss him so much. Some days it feels like you're running in circles. I am of course on the job hunt now that I'm cleared to go back to work. It's really hard to find anything these days and even harder to get motivated. Sometimes you just have to force yourself out there... but today wasn't one of those times. Blah... hopefully things will be a little better tomorrow... hopefully I can push myself to go running. :)
Today is the two month anniversary of my son's passing. I have decided to make this webpage to bring the parents of CMV affected children together. Really, any parents who have lost a baby. Today is....hard. I was planning on trying to get back to normal soon. I was going to go running this morning... but I just couldn't pull myself out of the bed. I miss my sweet baby boy so much! I know there will be people who are going to criticize me for making this page but I know that there will be those who I'll help. That's why I'm doing this. I think that everyone should have someone to go to when the going get's tough. I want everyone to know that I am a proud parent of my angel baby. I'll never stop telling people about him and he will never leave my heart. I will probably always carry his blanket around in my purse and will still feel sad every time I see a sweet baby boy around the age that my Connor would be. But that's okay and I'm not afraid to say that I am still grieving. I am still angry and I am still trying to learn how to live again. That's all I've really got