After Connor died, I never thought I would find my faith again. Now, I am not insinuating that I don't still ask God "why?" sometimes... or that the thought that this isn't fair, doesn't cross my mind. I am in no way as close as I would like to be. But, I am finally finding comfort in God's word again. I still don't understand and I know I never will but I'm blaming God less than I used to. I know he didn't take my son from me to be spiteful or to punish me. Faith is a funny thing... it used to be so strong for me... my family instilled all the values that are commonly seen in a southern baptist community like mine was. I will admit that I rebelled and eventually questioned God and my faith... but I never stopped believing. Even when we lost Connor, I still clung to God... even if I was only yelling at him the whole time... I still found comfort in knowing that my baby was taken care of, even though I wished it were me taking care of him. These almost two years have been a flurry of emotion and it has been a series of physical and emotional tests for me. As I near Connor's second birthday, I am finding comfort in being still and letting God take over. I am finally slowing down enough to LISTEN to Him. I am in no way perfect... in fact, just the other day I was thinking about how unfair it is that we are just having to move on with life... I was thinking about how I should be picking my son up from daycare everyday on the way home and singing Veggie Tales songs in the car. I guess my point is that I still miss my son but I am trying to remember to stop worrying about the things I can not change. I am trying to push the coldness out of my heart that had made itself at home when I wasn't looking. I am trying to stop pushing God away and instead find joy in the things that I do have. I need to find comfort in the fact that my son is in the most amazing place right now and he isn't hurting anymore. I had a dream the other night about my Grandma GiGi... she had Connor in her arms and was meeting my son and my daughter for the first time... she was sitting on the couch playing with Katie and showering them both with kisses. It made me smile and cry all at the same time. My Grandma GiGi passed away when I was just 15... and we were always pretty close... I love to think that she's the one keeping him company in Heaven. <3
Well... as of Valentines Day, we are officially engaged!! Exciting, right? I wish our son could have been a part in this... a part in our wedding... here for all the little things... we chose an emerald for the center stone to incorporate our sweet boy. I knew that's what I wanted after Connor passed. I wanted to have something tangible during our marriage to tie in. Connor would have been proud of his mommy and daddy, I think. We're not perfect but we try and work hard. All the good and happy moments always seem SO bittersweet. Am I thrilled that Sam and I are finally engaged and starting our wedding plans? Yes... but he should have been walking down the aisle with his big sister... holding her hand... taking pictures with all of his family on such a happy day. Instead I am going to be missing him. It's hard when you realize that life still moves on ... even when you can't. I've been reading "Celebrating Pregnancy Again" by Franchesca Cox. We are not expecting again, before anyone assumes that... but we would like to have another in the future and I've been wondering more and more how to cope with such things... I still feel a little guilty for wanting another baby... it feels like I'm betraying Connor... like I think he wasn't enough. And that if I'm happy about it, that it means I've forgotten about him. And that, of course, is not true in any way but it is nice to know that I'm not alone in those feelings. I've been torn over the past (almost) two years about having another baby. Some days I still feel like a failure of a mommy. My body failed me. My doctor's failed me. I used to think that even God failed me. But, I am not alone, and that is what helps me. I am not the only one who has felt these things (even if they aren't true). If you want another baby or are expecting another after loss, I would highly recommend this book. Well, that post jumped around a lot and was a little random. Sorry! I hope that it helps to know that other people are going through what you are going through and that there IS a light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes you can't see it and sometimes it seems so far away... so dim. But there is hope. There is happiness. <3
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