Well here we go. It's almost Christmas time again. Except, this year is different. I still miss my baby but it's not so crushing this year. I try not to think about him and his sister sitting side by side, opening presents this year. It's a bittersweet thought. I love to imagine it, but the fact that it isn't our reality is painful. Things are starting to settle into a tradition. We hang his stocking up, put all of his ornaments on the tree and plan on adding a new one each year. Some people say that these things make our loss harder to deal with but it really puts it into perspective for me and allows me to do SOMETHING for my son that could not stay with us. My heart still hurts and there's still some dark things there that I wish would go away but it's starting to recede and I can finally glimpse the light again. Suddenly, everything doesn't seem so overwhelming. I try to remember to act in ways that will make him proud of me. I'm beginning to believe again that I will see my son again and that he is, indeed, watching out for me. I still desperately miss my little one that I never really got to know. Some days are still a struggle to even climb out of bed. But, there's a light at the end of the tunnel that I couldn't see before. I was so blinded by my grief that I never glimpsed it. And no, it's not there everyday, but most days I can see it. So, this is our new normal. I never thought I would actually begin to just fall into being somewhat content with remembering him instead of just grieving for him. I'll never stop hurting and I will always wish I had him with me but it's finally settling in that this is as good as I can do for him. All I can do is keep going and tell everyone about his struggle with CMV. He may not have been victorious but my baby was a fighter. Stubborn just like his mommy. And I'm proud of my son.
So, I have made a huge achievement in my healing journey. While most people won't understand this, I know the people who have lost a child will. Tonight was the first time I have held a baby since my Connor. I have held my stepdaughter but she was 18 months old already when we lost Connor. Not necessarily a "tiny" baby anymore. She was working on potty training by that point! I haven't had a tiny body in my arms in almost two years. I was scared to hold someone else's child... like it would... I don't even know... but it seemed so wrong. But honestly, it felt great. I'm so glad I made myself do it. It's one of those things that you never think would be a big deal... I got to spend the evening with two great kiddos who reminded me to look at the simple things. I learned about some new cartoons (I'm clearly out of the loop) and how to play some new games (beyblades, anyone?). It was refreshing. Sometimes it's nice to get a new perspective. Well, I still miss my baby like crazy but it isn't as raw as it used to be (most days). Well, this is an end to a good night. Hello bed. Hopefully you'll treat me well tonight. :)