I want my baby back!!!!!!!
Don't you just want to scream sometimes. Will it make everything better? No... but I might feel better after that.
*Sigh*
To all the parents who have lost a child, I'm sure you'll understand this incredibly short post.
I want my baby back!!!!!!! Don't you just want to scream sometimes. Will it make everything better? No... but I might feel better after that. *Sigh*
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It's crazy to think that we were expecting our baby to arrive around this time last year... or at least that was the original plan. Even though he was born in May, he wasn't due until around August 15th, 2011. Last night was the first time I looked at the date and actually realized why I've been having such a hard time lately. I guess I was so caught up in the here and now that I didn't even put two and two together and realize that I missed the anniversary of his due date. Talk about feeling like a bad mom for a second. I know that the first time I passed his due date it was so hard... it was just shy of 3 months after I lost him. But, the date that still really resonates in my mind is in May. Considering that was the day I met my son, I'd say it's definitely more memorable. I think about him a lot. It's still hard to see very pregnant women and new babies... but I don't hold the same anger toward it as I used to. I'm coming to a point where I can honestly be happy for other people now. Does it still hurt? Of course. But I'm glad that I can look into another mommy's eyes and tell her that her baby is beautiful and that I'm happy for them.... and actually mean it. Slowly but surely some of my wounds are healing. I'm still battling with a lot. I still hold his things, kiss his urn goodnight and cuddle my healing heart pillow at night. It's nice to feel the weight in my arms where Connor should be, even though it isn't the same.
Mommy loves you sweet boy. I found the note I wrote to you when we first found out we were pregnant... I remember it took me days to write and I was going to save it for you. Sadly you'll never read the words. It was bittersweet to read it. I felt my happiness oozing from the page while I sat there and realized you'd never know what I dreamed for you, hoped for you and how much I love you. We miss you. <3 Goodnight everyone. So, as I am flipping through pictures today, I came across some of Connor. My heart soared at seeing his sweet little face and sunk all at the same time. I miss him. I missed out on not only my son but all the fun, new and stressful things that come along with being a first time mommy. Which, yes, technically everything past week 28 of pregnancy next time will be new to me but I can't really say I'll be a first time mommy, even though I didn't get to do any mommy/baby things with Connor. I just hope we'll be in a place where we can have another in the near future. I still hurt for my baby but I feel like I'll never really heal until I can fulfill some of the empty spaces in my heart. Not saying that a new baby would take Connor's place because that could never happen but it would definitely help me emotionally. This has been a pretty sucky week for the most part and I am SO glad it's almost Friday.
<3 I'm having a hard time here lately. I've been having a lot of dreams about Connor, which I LOVE.... until I wake up. Then it feels like the rest of the day is just pointless. My arms ache to hold him. All I want is to hold him again and kiss his little head one more time. I wish I could have another chance to just touch him. One more chance to tell him I love him. I look at his pictures and feel like I am just breaking inside. I have this beautiful baby boy and I'll never see him again. I'll never have a chance to tell him everything I wanted for him. I just miss him so much and it seems like every time I come to terms with one broken hope or dream, another comes along. I miss my baby. I want to hold him.
So, for those of you who have lost a child, you'll understand where I'm coming from with this. I came home after work to change before I went to the grocery store. My daughter (step-daughter technically) wanted to go with me. So, of course, I get her dressed and wipe the chocolate off her face. She was a perfect little angel in the store (she usually is) and we run into a man I work with while waiting to check out. He asks me how old she is and if she's my only one. With out even thinking I said yes, she was the only one. As soon as I said it, I thought, I should have said no. At this point, he's on to a different part of the conversation and I can not think of a way to bring it up without it sounding forward... then came the guilt. I felt like a horrible mother for not saying anything. I just know from experience that people tend to shy away from you when you mention the child(ren) who no longer reside on this planet with you. It's like people think they don't count anymore. I just felt guilty because this is one of the few times I have actually answered that question so forwardly... and without the mention of my sweet baby boy. Was it intentional? No. Was it because I forgot about him? Of course not, I think about him every second of every day. I think sometimes I just try to get caught up in the less hurtful parts of my life. Now don't take that the wrong way because having Connor wasn't the hurtful part. The hurtful part was having him ripped away from me and not being able to do ANYTHING about it. As a mommy, you want to kiss it and make it all better and no matter what I did, nothing was enough.
Anyway, those are my thoughts tonight. <3 In Memory of Connor James<3 It's hard to believe that it is already August! It seems like this summer just flew right by. I still think about all the things we should have been doing with Connor this year. We should have been taking him swimming for the first time this summer. I wonder what it would be like. I still wonder how things would be. Some days it still feels unbearable and I have a hard time motivating myself to keep going in the real world. :) And most days, although I think about him, it isn't as hard as it used to be. I think of him fondly and finally have some happy feelings. I love to think about him and keep him fresh in my mind and try not to dwell on the sad parts of our time together. I wonder if I'll always feel the pain so much and if it will always be so raw when I remember the hard parts. I'm guessing yes.... I don't see how that feeling could get any better. But, when I think about how far I and my family have come in the last year, it amazes me. Many opportunities have come to us and we've met a lot of really wonderful people. We've gone through everything together and never strayed from one another. When you start out, you think "How can I live through this?". Then one day you realize that you did live through it. Not only did you live through it but you've grown as a person and as a family. No, I am not glad that this happened, but I am grateful that it didn't tear us apart. We grew closer and that's a miracle. Some families don't make it through the grief together, much less grow stronger. We were lucky, determined and strong. We're still learning and still struggling but we've made it this far. I believe in us.
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