So, as I am flipping through pictures today, I came across some of Connor. My heart soared at seeing his sweet little face and sunk all at the same time. I miss him. I missed out on not only my son but all the fun, new and stressful things that come along with being a first time mommy. Which, yes, technically everything past week 28 of pregnancy next time will be new to me but I can't really say I'll be a first time mommy, even though I didn't get to do any mommy/baby things with Connor. I just hope we'll be in a place where we can have another in the near future. I still hurt for my baby but I feel like I'll never really heal until I can fulfill some of the empty spaces in my heart. Not saying that a new baby would take Connor's place because that could never happen but it would definitely help me emotionally. This has been a pretty sucky week for the most part and I am SO glad it's almost Friday.
I'm having a hard time here lately. I've been having a lot of dreams about Connor, which I LOVE.... until I wake up. Then it feels like the rest of the day is just pointless. My arms ache to hold him. All I want is to hold him again and kiss his little head one more time. I wish I could have another chance to just touch him. One more chance to tell him I love him. I look at his pictures and feel like I am just breaking inside. I have this beautiful baby boy and I'll never see him again. I'll never have a chance to tell him everything I wanted for him. I just miss him so much and it seems like every time I come to terms with one broken hope or dream, another comes along. I miss my baby. I want to hold him.
So, for those of you who have lost a child, you'll understand where I'm coming from with this. I came home after work to change before I went to the grocery store. My daughter (step-daughter technically) wanted to go with me. So, of course, I get her dressed and wipe the chocolate off her face. She was a perfect little angel in the store (she usually is) and we run into a man I work with while waiting to check out. He asks me how old she is and if she's my only one. With out even thinking I said yes, she was the only one. As soon as I said it, I thought, I should have said no. At this point, he's on to a different part of the conversation and I can not think of a way to bring it up without it sounding forward... then came the guilt. I felt like a horrible mother for not saying anything. I just know from experience that people tend to shy away from you when you mention the child(ren) who no longer reside on this planet with you. It's like people think they don't count anymore. I just felt guilty because this is one of the few times I have actually answered that question so forwardly... and without the mention of my sweet baby boy. Was it intentional? No. Was it because I forgot about him? Of course not, I think about him every second of every day. I think sometimes I just try to get caught up in the less hurtful parts of my life. Now don't take that the wrong way because having Connor wasn't the hurtful part. The hurtful part was having him ripped away from me and not being able to do ANYTHING about it. As a mommy, you want to kiss it and make it all better and no matter what I did, nothing was enough.
It's hard to believe that it is already August! It seems like this summer just flew right by. I still think about all the things we should have been doing with Connor this year. We should have been taking him swimming for the first time this summer. I wonder what it would be like. I still wonder how things would be. Some days it still feels unbearable and I have a hard time motivating myself to keep going in the real world. :) And most days, although I think about him, it isn't as hard as it used to be. I think of him fondly and finally have some happy feelings. I love to think about him and keep him fresh in my mind and try not to dwell on the sad parts of our time together. I wonder if I'll always feel the pain so much and if it will always be so raw when I remember the hard parts. I'm guessing yes.... I don't see how that feeling could get any better. But, when I think about how far I and my family have come in the last year, it amazes me. Many opportunities have come to us and we've met a lot of really wonderful people. We've gone through everything together and never strayed from one another. When you start out, you think "How can I live through this?". Then one day you realize that you did live through it. Not only did you live through it but you've grown as a person and as a family. No, I am not glad that this happened, but I am grateful that it didn't tear us apart. We grew closer and that's a miracle. Some families don't make it through the grief together, much less grow stronger. We were lucky, determined and strong. We're still learning and still struggling but we've made it this far. I believe in us.
Well. Spending time with our little girl today was nice. We always miss her when she's gone. Starting my new job tomorrow. A little nervous but this will be good for us. :) Thinking a lot about my sweet boy. He just keeps popping into my head. I've had a nervous feeling that I just can't get rid of but who knows why! I think thing might finally be starting to fall together for us. Good night all!
Not much to write about today. It's been a really busy week. I have been missing Connor a lot here lately. I just can't seem to shake these blues. It's always and on and off sort of thing. One minute you're fine, then next, not so much. :) Have a great night guys!
Well, cleaned the house and cleaned everything on Connor's shelf. I always feel somewhat accomplished when I get his things all spic-and-span. I hate to see them collect dust. I suppose it is just one of those things that happens. I held his little urn today and thought about him a lot. He would be 14 months old right now. I wonder what he would have looked like and how he would be progressing. But, for once, the thought doesn't totally depress me. Yes, it makes me sad that I will never know these things for sure but I am grateful for the time I spent with my son. I am also grateful for my wonderful imagination that breathes life into the dreams that were shattered when Connor died. I do miss him so much. You can not understand the empty spot this has left in my soul. But, I am learning to live with this part of my life. Not just going through the motions either. Actually living. It's nice to finally be able to connect with other human beings again and I am glad that I am finally making more friends. I miss my baby terribly. I hope that he knows how much I love him and is keeping an eye on me. I don't see how I would have made it if he wasn't. :) Anyway, very random post.
Well, it seems like things are finally getting a little better. I am re-dedicating myself to getting the word out about CMV. I have finally found my determination that I had lost at some point in my grief journey. I was so bogged down that I lost sight of the important things. But I think I am finally starting to get back to normal. I have to find a way to do some sort of fundraiser for the CMV foundation but I have not quite decided the details yet. I am thinking.... BAKE SALE. Everyone loves baked goods right? Well, just a quick note before I head off to bed. Good night everyone!
I have changed the design and layout of my website. Not only can you click on the tabs but some have drop-down menus now! I am taking a new leap toward CMV awareness. I will be keeping up with this and the website and trying to keep pertinent information about CMV on here. I will also continue to list my sources so that no one is confused about where my information comes from. If you have any suggestions about what I should include on my website or would like to send me anything about your angel, just use the "Contact Me" section under the "more..." tab.
A lot of things are going through my mind tonight as I sit here holding my Healing Hearts pillow in my lap. As I was searching through some things, trying to clean, I found these. These are Cardinals tickets. Not just any Cardinals tickets. These are from the game we went to the day before I was admitted to the hospital. I somehow knew it would happen. I remember the day very well. I was trying to calm down about our doctor's appointment the next day. I just knew there was something wrong. I knew things weren't getting any better, I spent the whole game poking him in my tummy because he was really sluggish the first half of the game. I think he felt my anxiety,
Point is, I think it's crazy that you can look at something and be taken back to another time. No matter if it was happy or sad... or a little of both. I didn't even realize that this was the day before we were admitted until tonight when I looked at the tickets, It seemed like the two events were weeks apart in my head... everything just went so quickly and everything changed so fast. I mean wow. Does anyone else feel this way sometimes?