Some days you just don't know how to put your feelings on paper. I'm so frustrated. I just miss my baby so much. I can't stand having dreams about him just to wake up and realize that I won't ever get that time with him. Those first few blissful moments right after I wake up are the worst. You go from happy to your world crashing down (again) in about 5 seconds. Dreams might help some people but they just make me more sad. Someone asked me what it was like... to lose a child. Well, all I could say is that it's like losing a part of yourself. When your child dies, you feel like part of you died with them. It's like losing everything that ever mattered. Some people might say that's a little dramatic but that's how it was for me. I believe I'll feel the same earth shattering pain if I ever lost another as well. Each child is a gift and a wonderful miracle on their own. No matter how many I have, I'll love them all that much.
Was looking through pictures today... found this one. It was taken when we were 24 weeks along. I can't believe that we were saying goodbye to our sweet son less than four weeks after this picture was taken. How fast things changed. I can remember how torn I was about posting pictures like this because of everything that was going on with his health... but I'm glad I have them. This should have been his first Halloween this year. He probably would have been walking and talking by now. Before long, he would have been gaining his independence and wouldn't need mommy so much. As hard as that is, I am so sad that I'll never see him grow up into a strong, thriving little boy. *sigh* I sure do miss him. I still wonder what things would have been like. I still have dreams of a little boy with mommy's blue eyes and daddy's dark hair who gives the best hugs... then when I wake up, I'm both happy and sad. I love dreaming about him... but hate waking up to a world where he isn't. I miss him so very much.