I think that I am finally moving from the "every day is a bad day" to the "only sometimes is a bad day" point in my grieving. I still have bad days... but I also have days where I feel so determined to get the word out. I can't imagine not keeping our story going... not for me but so that maybe someone else will be able to demand testing for CMV because now they KNOW. Knowing is half the battle. The other half is finding a doctor who will listen :P. Just kidding. But really. Being a CMV mommy is a daily struggle. Whether you are blessed enough to still have your baby with or if you're like me and your sweet angel is watching over you, you still feel the desire to make this GO AWAY. To keep another family from having to go through the hardships that you have. The hardships that your child was forced to fight through. It's the most awful feeling when, even as a parent, there's nothing you can do to take it away. No way to make it all better. You always think of parenthood as the times when you get to spend time with your child, hold them when they're sad, kiss their boo-boo's and make them all better... some parents never get that chance. Some parents never hear their babies cry, never see them roll over or take their first steps. It's easy to get frustrated by people who take their children for granted. People who don't deserve children. People who do horrible, unspeakable things. But you had a baby affected by CMV because someone knew that you could handle it (even though it doesn't always feel like it), and because you would fight for them when other people would give up. You're all strong, loving women (and men!) because you do things that only you can do for your child. You are their hope and their advocate.And what's even better? You do all those things without even thinking about it. You love them unconditionally. Don't be afraid to cry. Do things for you sometimes. Know that your child loves you more than they can tell you and they know and appreciate everything you do for them, even if they can't tell you that. There are always hard days. Some times it feels like it's never going to get better, but it does. And at the end of the day, you know that you've done everything you do because you love them and you need them just as much as they need you.
Really not feeling the "holiday spirit". I guess the mix of everything just isn't in my favor today. It's hard being away from your family, especially on days like this. Even more so when you're still trying to cope with losing a child. I miss him so much and it makes me so angry because we should be taking Connor to see everyone and he should be experiencing his first Thanksgiving. I still don't understand how there could be a God who would allow some of the most awful people to have children when they don't even appreciate them. People who don't want them and don't want to have to care for them. But then there are people like us who wanted him and loved him so much and we don't get that privilege? Seems a little screwed up to me. I am so tired of people comparing my loss to breaking up with a boyfriend or losing a pet. He was NOT an animal. I carried him, felt him move, went in to so many doctors appointments to check his progress, worried myself to death, cried for him all of the time, talked to him, held his hand and I am still wishing and hoping for him even though he's gone. I'm still grieving over him. I'm so tired of two-faced, in-compassionate hypocrites. Stop pretending to be someone else. Stop pretending to be this great person when you take every chance you can to break people down. I've learned a lot from my experience. And one of those things is that although I am tired of running onto those people, you will no longer have an affect on me because I have better things to worry about. So be glad that you have healthy children and a family who loves you and stop bitching all of the time. Ridiculous. I'm a good person and if you don't want to get to know me, fine. If you want to tell people what an awful person I am, fine. Because I don't care what you have to say. It's out of your own inadequacies. I am thankful for the fact that I got to carry my sweet boy for 27 whole weeks. I am thankful for my wonderful boyfriend who has helped me get through all of this without making me feel bad for what I feel. I am thankful for my wonderful support group. I am also thankful for all of the stupid things that some people insist on saying about me because they make me giggle sometimes. You can tell who really knows me. Be thankful for what you have, especially if you've been blessed with what some people were not. I am thankful for what I have but I am also very angry still. I shouldn't be feeling torn between life and thinking that I am being unfair to him. I'm still trying to learn that it's okay to laugh and have fun, but I'm not sure if I'll ever stop feeling guilty for it. I know it's not my fault and we did everything in our power to give him chances the doctors thought he'd never have, but I'm still angry. With God, with CMV, with.... everything really. I love all of my family and miss you guys tons.
Happy Thanksgiving sweet Connor. I wish I could tell you how thankful I am for getting to have you in my life, even if it was only for a few short hours. <3
I had a dream about him last night... I wish I could have slept forever. In my dream, the nurses brought him to me and we got to go home. I could actually feel the overwhelming happiness he you looked into my eyes and smiled at me. I remember how wonderful it felt to hold him there, in my little dreamworld. To have just a sliver of time with him. He was perfect and beautiful... just how I remember him... only the ending wasn't the same. I wish it was that easy.
In 7 short days, we will have been without you for 6 whole months. I can already tell that this is going to be the longest year of my life. If you are a parent who has lost a child, I'm sure you know the moment when you sit down and wonder how you got here. You wonder how you've made it this far and if it will be this hard forever. I find myself wondering if it's okay to laugh... because sometimes I feel guilty for still having good days. It just seems unfair to him sometimes. And of course I have my off days... and the horrible ones... but they are getting farther and fewer between. I know that this is what is supposed to happen, but why does it hurt so much to try to go back to normal... why is it so hard some days to just be a normal 21 year old? I guess that's because I am not a normal 21 year old. I'm a 21 year old who has a beautiful step-daughter, few friends, the best boyfriend in the world and is missing her first child. There aren't many 21 year old's like me. I feel like I have aged so much in just the last 6 months... I feel like my hopes and dreams have been shattered and my faith has been shaken. So much has changed. I live in a world where no one understands me or my actions. Some people call the way I act sometimes crazy. Yea, I guess you could call it that. I just call it grief, panic, sadness, hopelessness, fear, happiness, love, faith.... it's such a whirlwind of emotions that I don't even know what I am feeling most of the time. Don't judge me if you don't know me. I'm so tired of people claiming to "hate" me, when they have never even taken the time to get to know me. Think what you want but I am a loving, caring person. I'm a mother. I treat my step-daughter like she is my own because I don't see her differently. I'm a good person whether you want to take the time to get to know me or not. All that matters is that I know that and all of the important people in my life know that.
I miss you everyday.
We had a ball trick or treating. It's still really hard to hear Katie talk about you. We were on our way up to a house when she looks at me and says "Connor trick or treat?" I answered that no, you wouldn't be able to trick or treat with us and her answer was "Yes Kimmi. Connor trick or treat." So, I guess you were trick or treating with us. :) Holidays are the worst. I mean I know it's only Halloween... but we were supposed to have a sweet baby boy to dress up this Halloween... I was supposed to be a mommy... a mommy that everyone KNEW was a mommy. It's still so hard sometimes sweet boy. I miss you like crazy and I'm not sure if it will ever stop being a bittersweet feeling when I think of you. I think a lot of what you would be like... who you would look like... if you'd smile a lot... how it would sound when you cried or laughed.... It's hard to miss out on everything. It's hard to not be able to hold you. And it's even worse to sit at home alone... I love you sweet boy. Just had to write and get some random feelings out.