I've been thinking about you a lot... not more than usual, but more than most people probably would. I was thinking about how people act like they're there to help you when something awful happens but no one calls us to see how we are... I mean, we lost you, sweet boy. You don't just get over that. I still needed people to talk to. I still do. I miss you so much. I was thinking about you on my way to work on Friday and I keep feeling so guilty because I never demanded to hold you. I thought I was doing the right thing... I put all of my feelings aside because I honestly believed that I would see you again. The doctors kept telling me that you wouldn't make it and you kept proving them wrong... I just never let myself believe that I wouldn't be bringing you home from the hospital. I honestly believed that I would get to hold you and look into your eyes. I honestly believed that I would have the time to see you and tell you that I love you more than anything in the world. You can only imagine how much guilt I feel for not demanding those things when I kept being told that you wouldn't make it. I tried so hard to make them let me come see you after the c-section but they made me wait... and then at least I got to hold you after you were gone but I just keep feeling like that is never going to be enough for me. You'll never know how much I love you or how hard I tried to do everything that you needed... how I put you before myself at all times. I never once thought about myself during that whole hospital stay. When they said that they had to hurry and take you to Children's, I couldn't ask to hold you because I was scared that your little body just couldn't hold on without those amazing doctors. I just have a lot of feelings... lots of really confusing feelings. And I'm fine sometimes but sometimes, it's like reliving it all over again. It's so hard to listen to other people talking about their perfect babies and their perfect families when I can't have you. It's even harder to listen to people complain about their kids or talk about how "hard" being a parent is. Yes, it's hard, but be thankful for the fact that your children are happy and healthy. Some people are so negative. I have my sweet step-daughter. She's wonderful. My sweet girl whom I think of as my own. I still tell people that I have two children. I think I always will.
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