Some days I wish I could sleep in forever. I had a wonderful dream about you. Except, unlike reality, you actually got to come home. You were still so tiny, just like I remembered. And beautiful, also like I remember. I really wish we had gotten some time with you... I still have a hard time with the fact that I never got to hold you or tell you I loved you. I never got to kiss your sweet little head... I only held your hand for a minute and then saw you for one more out of the ER. At least your daddy got to be with you. *Sigh* Looks like another long day...
Some days all I can think is "what do I do now?" I still haven't learned how to do this without you. You should have been about a month old at this point but instead I am going to pick up your death certificate. No parent should have to do this. All I can do is hope that I am strong enough to keep talking about you and CMV. Maybe we can help someone else. I tall everyone I have two babies. You and Katie. I miss you more than you know. Sometimes, I wonder how everyone else's life just keeps on rolling along when it feels like I'm stuck... in a nightmare. Just seems crazy, that's all. I can't believe it's been four months. I relive your birth on the 20th of every month... it's a bitter sweet feeling... I was so happy you were trying... but unfortunately, I've already seen the ending. Then on the 21st, I remember every second of your fight and how it felt when I found out you were gone. I hate this.
Oh sweet little boy... I am having a rough week... I just can't seem to pick myself up. I miss you so much it hurts... I want to talk about you but no one really wants to... it's so sad, I know... but I want your little life to have meant something. I was your mommy because God knew that I'd do something about this... not just let this go on... I love you and I miss you tons. I'm glad you're my angel boy.
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