Today was hard without you and your sissy. I wore my dragonfly pin for you. As I was getting ready this morning, I found myself wondering if there are Easter egg hunts in Heaven. I'm sure that there are not since that has nothing to do with why we celebrate Easter to begin with, but it was a fun idea for me to entertain. You would have been just old enough to hunt this year. You would have been eating dinner with us and making the holiday so much fun. On days like this it's hard for me not to think about where we would be today. What we would be doing. I should have been chasing you around today. Me and daddy both. I still can't believe you're gone some days. It still feels wrong. Like this is just a huge nightmare. Well sweetie, mommy and daddy love you so very much. I just felt like I needed to voice what I was feeling but I can't seem to put it all into words.
I find myself stumbling a lot lately. I'm in a good place in my life and am happy most of the time. But, it seems like more and more I find myself having small fall backs. I just keep tripping over these little milestones. Easter is almost here... I keep thinking I need to buy things for you and then I remember that you won't be here to open them. Mommy won't get to see you grinning as you find your Easter basket. I won't get to hear you giggling and running around at Paw-Paw's house. Those are the moments when all I can think is "This isn't fair." I hear myself screaming it in my head. We won't ever get to play in the snow together. Every time I hear a parent complain about their little ones keeping them up at night or pitching a fit or even just being difficult I want to tell them that I would give anything just to hear you cry. The things you wish for. All I want is the chance to rock you all night. I want to spend those moments with you. Just once. But no one can give that to me. I promised myself no more asking why.. no more begging for answers... TRUST GOD. Sometimes it's not that easy. Hell, it's never that easy. I've been trying though. Some days it takes everything I have just to pull myself out of the bed and get dressed. I try to think of you more when I am having bad days because that motivates me. It motivates me to pull myself together on the outside when I am falling apart inside. You taught me so much more in your short time with me than most people can teach in a lifetime. I am just stumbling and I'm having a hard time getting my footing sometimes. Baby boy, I love you so very much. I can not ever express my feelings for you except to say that I wish I had the choice... it would have been me. I would have given you the world. I would have given you life, even if it meant I couldn't go on. I would have done anything for you. I still feel like my body failed me. Like it's somehow my fault. If only I had been more careful or known about CMV. If only I had researched mono during pregnancy. WHY did I just trust the doctors. I trusted the doctors with the most important thing to me and they let me down. They let you down. I guess in essence that means that I let you down. I am so very sorry. I only wish I could turn back time and fix everything. As we approach your second birthday, I am struggling with a lot of grief. Tomorrow is a new day. Mommy's going to try to pull herself together for you. Goodnight sweet boy... I hope Jesus sings for you too.
Today has been bittersweet. We had a great day with our sweet girl and had lots of fun. It helped to keep my mind off of things. But, it still crossed my mind a few times. Two years ago today, our whole world fell apart. I wore green to my doctor's appointment and was finally feeling good. Sam and I debated the whole way there about what we would see. We were supposed to go in and find out if we were having a boy or a girl. Except that none of what we expected happened. Instead, our day ended in tears and fear. I was told our baby would be stillborn and that we should probably just abort now. I was 17 weeks along. I had just started feeling him move a few weeks before and boy was he active on the way there. When the doctor told me they were sending me to the perinatal center, my heart dropped. I managed to hold it together until we walked out of the doctor's office into the hallway. All I could do was fall into Sam's arms and cry while he told me over and over that everything would be okay. Crazy to think how much things have changed in two years. I still miss him so much that it hurts sometimes. Today is one of those days. Birthdays aren't the only anniversary's we have as bereaved parents. There are always at least a few key dates that will stick with us forever.
Connor James, mommy and daddy miss you so very much. I still don't quite know how to do this without you, but I think we're doing alright. <3 Fly high sweet boy and watch over your big sister for me.