I've been thinking about my very few moments with my son a lot lately. I really wish I had done things differently. I wish I would have been more difficult and made them take me to see him... but I honestly believed he would live. I honestly believed that I would be able to hold him and look into his sweet eyes the next day. I thought "he can hold on for me". But he couldn't. Even with everything I did and all the decisions I made, it wasn't enough. His tiny, frail body couldn't keep up. I wish I had demanded to hold him longer. I wish there were more pictures. I wish someone would have told me about all the professional services there are for these sort of situations. I was just so confused... none of it had settled in. I was in a fog. I remember very little outside of the short time I held him in my arms. I do remember that it didn't completely settle in that I was leaving without my baby until the nurses helped me in the car a day later to go home. I had no car seat in the back, no baby to hold, nothing. It's still so hard. Some days it feels like I lost him yesterday. I can still feel him kicking me... and I still dream about being pregnant with him... dream of his childhood. The childhood he'll never have.Sometimes, things just hit you all at once... and you think about everything you should have done... should have said. I still miss my baby. I never really got to say good-bye. I have realized that I wasn't ready to say good-bye. Maybe in my mind, that was the only way to keep him... as if not telling him good-bye would make him stay. But, it didn't. If only life worked that way.
I know exactly what you mean. If I could go back to that day, I would have held him tighter, kissed his forehead more often, sang lullabies, and the list goes on. I was just in too much shock. Maybe I still am. None of it seems real...
YOU are brave for writing your story & for bring awareness to CMV. I have to admit, I've never heard of it until I read your story. It's amazing the number of things I've never heard of until I became a member of the infant/pregnancy loss community.
Big hugs to you, I'll be praying for your peace.
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Kimberly
9/9/2012 02:04:23 am
Thank you. I wish someone would have told me what to expect, you know. Someone to look at me and say you'll want this one day. I wish I would have known I could have more than that hour with him.
I am thrilled that our story has taught you something. :) That's really what it's all about. Getting the word out. Thanks for visiting!
<3
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My name is Kimberly. I am the proud mommy of Connor James who passed away from complications due to CMV, just 14 hours after his birth. <3