Mommy and Daddy love you sweet boy and miss you more... I think about you everyday,
<3
One thing I've learned from this experience is that there are some mean people in the world. I'm going to say this. Just because you don't like someone doesn't mean that they deserve for their child to die. No one deserves to go through the heartache of losing a child, not even the biggest jerks on the face of the planet. Also, take RESPONSIBILITY for your own actions and stop blaming everyone else for your unhappiness. Also, people who have babies and don't know who the dad is, can't take care of them, treat them badly or are just plain stupid should have to hand their children over to people who deserve them. It just makes me so angry that some people are too selfish to pay attention to their own babies. I would have given anything for my sweet Connor and I would give anything to make sure my beautiful step-daughter has everything she could ever need and want. I don't understand how someone can have children and not give up their own selfish antics. Grow up people. Suck it up and stop pretending like everyone else is at fault for your problems. Stand up and take responsibility. Be thankful for everyday you have with those sweet babies. Don't forget to hug them and kiss them and tell them how much you love them all of the time. You never know what life is going to throw at you and you never know how short a life will be, so don't take advantage of the times you do have together. Live life, love with all you've got and just be happy. Don't worry about other people. Who cares if someone likes everything you do? Point is, you shouldn't take advantage of the time you have with the most important people in your life. I am incredibly lucky to have the most wonderful man on the planet, a sweet little girl that I consider as one of my own and the most perfect angel boy watching over me. I think that something was supposed to come out of this and I got a baby with congenital CMV because I can handle it. Not only can I handle it, I will, and I will do everything I can to make sure this doesn't happen to other people. I'll make sure that I am always trying to pass the word along because no one deserves to go through what we have been through and I wouldn't even wish it on my worst enemies.
Mommy and Daddy love you sweet boy and miss you more... I think about you everyday, <3
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I got Connor's autopsy results yesterday... as well as my CMV results. Well, on the note of the autopsy, my poor baby never stood a chance against this awful disease... but I feel like I can stop blaming myself now... so, a little closure is good. On my CMV test results... I was positive... meaning that I will give it to the next baby we concieve if the medicines don't work... and there aren't great odds for that. Feeling a little more hopeful about life today... and a little less hopeful at the same time. Weird, huh? Point is that I'm done being angry at other people and I'm going to try to move on... just a little.... because I still fell angry about this virus and what it did to my sweet baby boy. I keep thinking "if there's a God, why would he do that to a sweet innocent baby like Connor". So... now I'm battling with my beliefs as well... maybe one day things will get easier.
Tomorrow, Aug. 15th, would have been your due date Connor James. I love you so very much and I can't believe that I should just now be getting ready to meet you... especially when I've already met you and lost you before the time you were even supposed to grace me with your wonderful presence. This is going to be a really hard time for me... and I can't believe all this. It's so unfair... and people are so selfish... things weren't supposed to happen this way. What's worse is these people who think their lives are so hard because they have to SHARE custody with the other parent... DEAL WITH IT. At least your wonderful, beautiful child is alive and healthy. At least you have actually gotten to know him/her and have some wonderful memories and more to come. Your situation isn't as bad as it could be.
Oh sweet boy... Mommy looked at your picture without crying for the first time last night... I still wanted to... and I was still angry and I still get the overwhelming sadness when I see them, but I didn't cry. I'm sure I still will most of the time... but this is the first time I haven't. I miss you more than you can imagine. Who knew someone so small could have such a huge impact on my life. :) I love you... I hope that there really is a heaven so I can see you again. Love you bunches.
<3 Oh boy... this has been hard... I'm still waiting on your autopsy results... I'm starting school next week.... and I miss you tons... I think about you all the time. This has been a hard month....
Wow... didn't realize I hadn't written in so long. :) Some mornings it's really hard to wake up... especially when I have a dream about you... a good dream. I dreamed that I got to hold you and that things didn't go the way they really did... that you got to come home from the hospital. It was a wonderful dream. It made it so hard to get up and get moving after that though... I always wake up and for a moment everything is okay... and then I realize that I was sleeping and reality sets in... I realize that I will never be able to hold you and you will never come home from the hospital... I'll never hear you cry or get to give you your first bath... I've had a really hard week without you.... your due date was a week from tomorrow... it seems so unfair that I didn't even get this time with you. Someone was telling me the other day that they had a little boy at 27 1/2 weeks.... and he pulled through... and all I could do was think about how unfair it is. Everyone around us is having babies... worst of all, they're all boys... I'm still angry... I have my good days but you're always with me sweet boy. I talk about you every chance I get. Some people don't understand our loss and aren't compassionate at all... but believe me, I'll fight for you sweet boy. I won't let anyone tell me it's not that bad... and I won't let anyone say that it shouldn't bother me because you never really lived. You did live. You lived in me. You lived for 14 hours on this planet and unfortunately your little body couldn't keep up with your strong will... I know you tried to stay with mommy and I'll make sure we help people know about your CMV. No one should have to go through what you did... or what mommy and daddy did. I love you so much and I think of you everyday.
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