On Friday night, my sweet girl and I went to see "How to Train Your Dragon 2". Pretty safe bet, I thought. After getting her some candy and a drink we settled ourselves into a seat near the back. A few rows up, a cute little family sat down... Dad, mom, a little girl around Katie's age and a little boy who couldn't have been more than 3. For just a minute I was back in that "it should have been me" place. I got a little upset and had to compose myself quickly. Things just sneak up on you sometimes. Then, I looked over to see Katie eating Reese's pieces and bouncing in her theater chair and all I could do was giggle. This is my life now. Moments of sadness coupled with moments of pure bliss. Who knew that two things so different could live so close together in your life. This is what living after losing a part of yourself is like. Grief after the loss of a child is terrible... it's debilitating. But, after some time has passed, you begin to feel joy again. You begin to find peace and happiness in everyday things that you didn't think you could. The loss doesn't really get easier to handle but little rays of sunshine begin peeking through the fog. They become brighter and their numbers increase. But the fog is still there. Where there isn't sunshine, it's there. You come across it less and it doesn't last as long but it's still hanging out there, waiting for you to trip over something. When we lost Connor, I didn't think I would ever find happiness in things again. I didn't think I would ever feel like singing along to a happy song in the car or be able to walk through the baby aisle without crying. But I do. All the time. Here we are, 3 years later and there are more happy moments than not. But even in the happy moments, my heart aches for him. I still hurt. I'm just not knocked down by every little pebble in the road anymore. Time doesn't really heal but it does change things. And change is good sometimes.
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