Well... as of Valentines Day, we are officially engaged!! Exciting, right? I wish our son could have been a part in this... a part in our wedding... here for all the little things... we chose an emerald for the center stone to incorporate our sweet boy. I knew that's what I wanted after Connor passed. I wanted to have something tangible during our marriage to tie in. Connor would have been proud of his mommy and daddy, I think. We're not perfect but we try and work hard. All the good and happy moments always seem SO bittersweet. Am I thrilled that Sam and I are finally engaged and starting our wedding plans? Yes... but he should have been walking down the aisle with his big sister... holding her hand... taking pictures with all of his family on such a happy day. Instead I am going to be missing him. It's hard when you realize that life still moves on ... even when you can't. I've been reading "Celebrating Pregnancy Again" by Franchesca Cox. We are not expecting again, before anyone assumes that... but we would like to have another in the future and I've been wondering more and more how to cope with such things... I still feel a little guilty for wanting another baby... it feels like I'm betraying Connor... like I think he wasn't enough. And that if I'm happy about it, that it means I've forgotten about him. And that, of course, is not true in any way but it is nice to know that I'm not alone in those feelings. I've been torn over the past (almost) two years about having another baby. Some days I still feel like a failure of a mommy. My body failed me. My doctor's failed me. I used to think that even God failed me. But, I am not alone, and that is what helps me. I am not the only one who has felt these things (even if they aren't true). If you want another baby or are expecting another after loss, I would highly recommend this book. Well, that post jumped around a lot and was a little random. Sorry! I hope that it helps to know that other people are going through what you are going through and that there IS a light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes you can't see it and sometimes it seems so far away... so dim. But there is hope. There is happiness. <3