Here we go. It's that time of year again. All of the Thanksgiving and Christmas items are crammed in every shelf at the grocery store. Pictures of perfect four person families are everywhere you turn. The music is cheery and there are people... everywhere. So many people. Before, these were all the things I loved about this time of year. The smells, the atmosphere, getting to pick out Christmas ornaments for the year... now, they're all the things that exhaust me. Seriously, holidays have become tedious. It's work to get out of bed and smile at everyone. I thought it would get better... I thought surely our first (fill in random holiday here) would be the hardest. It would be the most difficult and the most heart wrenching. Honestly, I think I was still in shock for most of it. I hardly remember much from the entire year after Connor was born. Maybe it was longer... I'm not sure. I remember bits and pieces... or things that really shook me. For instance, that super bowl commercial about the wonders of being a mother. I honestly couldn't even tell you what the commercial was for because about 10 seconds into it I was tearing up and had to walk out of the room. I had just recently lost my son and people expected me to watch this heart wrenching bull crap? It was too much for me to handle. I think all of the firsts are hard, yes, but your body is still in a state of self preservation. The next set of holidays that roll around are just as bad because you are no longer in shock. Your body still has it's moments of self preservation but for the most part it's so raw the second time around. It's like experiencing the firsts all over again but this time there's no Band-Aid. I have this love-hate relationship with holidays now. I do love it all but at the same time it's exhausting to deal with everything. It's the time of year where everywhere you look, you're reminded of your loss.