I apologize for not being on here in quite a while. Things have been crazy. Here we are, almost 4 years after our son's death and we are now expecting our Rainbow baby, A little girl (the very same little girl who is already rocking the "Rock on" sign in the picture below). We're currently 24 weeks and about 3 days. Let me tell you... this has been quite the whirlwind of emotions. We found out at just 3 weeks along that we were expecting... so at 24 weeks it already feels like I've been pregnant for an eternity. Lol. At our 19 week anatomy scan, we learned that we were having a girl. Being high risk already, we've been lucky to see her quite often and marvel over how big she's getting from month to month (even from appointment to appointment at 2 weeks apart). We were also blessed to be high risk because we learned that in the time frame between our 22 weeks appointment and our 24 weeks appointment, my cervix has shrunk to almost half the length it was. Which means.... we're either experiencing pre-term labor or an incompetent cervix. Thank goodness we're already with a doctor who was not only keeping an eye on things but is a high risk, maternal fetal medicine doctor. Conveniently, the same one who delivered our son so he's done everything he can to quell our concerns. Up until around the 20 week mark, I actually felt incredibly calm about this pregnancy. And even though I had already accepted the fact that we were carrying a healthy baby (as far as they knew), I had also already come to terms with losing something I hadn't even bonded with. I kept myself so far away from it all in case something happened... and the worst part was that it wasn't even intentional. After our anatomy scan, I realized that this was going to stick. We found out at 17 weeks that something was wrong with Connor and we had passed that point two weeks prior to our big appointment. At first it was so blissful. I was so excited finally and so in love. But at 23 weeks, I really started getting anxious. I suppose I already knew that something wasn't quite right. Thank goodness, this time it was something the doctors could watch carefully and try to stop.
So here I am. 24 weeks and 3 days pregnant with our rainbow baby. Who now weighs what her big brother weighed at his birth at 28 weeks. I still think of him often. And while I know that this is a different pregnancy, it's still scary to hear all this pre-term labor mess. I had put Connor's memory in a box in the corner of my brain after finding out I was pregnant. It was too painful to try to cope with that and the possible loss of this new life. But now, I find he's on my mind often. It makes me sad but also grateful that I got to be his mommy. And it also comforts me to know that this little girl already has a guardian angel. She's already so surrounded by love. Some days, I still find it hard to remember that this baby isn't Connor. She isn't sick and she isn't going to face the same fate as he did. She's healthy and growing like she should be. We have plenty of amniotic fluid. Everything is great except for my stupid cervix. Which is one more thing that I've been struggling with. I want so badly for my body to carry this life like it's supposed to and for the 2nd time in my life, I feel like I have been let down by my body. But, it will be okay. I just have to keep telling myself that. And, in just a few short months, I will be meeting my Rainbow. If she waits until 37/38 weeks she may even be born close to her big brothers birthday. Kind of crazy.
So here I am. 24 weeks and 3 days pregnant with our rainbow baby. Who now weighs what her big brother weighed at his birth at 28 weeks. I still think of him often. And while I know that this is a different pregnancy, it's still scary to hear all this pre-term labor mess. I had put Connor's memory in a box in the corner of my brain after finding out I was pregnant. It was too painful to try to cope with that and the possible loss of this new life. But now, I find he's on my mind often. It makes me sad but also grateful that I got to be his mommy. And it also comforts me to know that this little girl already has a guardian angel. She's already so surrounded by love. Some days, I still find it hard to remember that this baby isn't Connor. She isn't sick and she isn't going to face the same fate as he did. She's healthy and growing like she should be. We have plenty of amniotic fluid. Everything is great except for my stupid cervix. Which is one more thing that I've been struggling with. I want so badly for my body to carry this life like it's supposed to and for the 2nd time in my life, I feel like I have been let down by my body. But, it will be okay. I just have to keep telling myself that. And, in just a few short months, I will be meeting my Rainbow. If she waits until 37/38 weeks she may even be born close to her big brothers birthday. Kind of crazy.