I find myself stumbling a lot lately. I'm in a good place in my life and am happy most of the time. But, it seems like more and more I find myself having small fall backs. I just keep tripping over these little milestones. Easter is almost here... I keep thinking I need to buy things for you and then I remember that you won't be here to open them. Mommy won't get to see you grinning as you find your Easter basket. I won't get to hear you giggling and running around at Paw-Paw's house. Those are the moments when all I can think is "This isn't fair." I hear myself screaming it in my head. We won't ever get to play in the snow together. Every time I hear a parent complain about their little ones keeping them up at night or pitching a fit or even just being difficult I want to tell them that I would give anything just to hear you cry. The things you wish for. All I want is the chance to rock you all night. I want to spend those moments with you. Just once. But no one can give that to me. I promised myself no more asking why.. no more begging for answers... TRUST GOD. Sometimes it's not that easy. Hell, it's never that easy. I've been trying though. Some days it takes everything I have just to pull myself out of the bed and get dressed. I try to think of you more when I am having bad days because that motivates me. It motivates me to pull myself together on the outside when I am falling apart inside. You taught me so much more in your short time with me than most people can teach in a lifetime. I am just stumbling and I'm having a hard time getting my footing sometimes. Baby boy, I love you so very much. I can not ever express my feelings for you except to say that I wish I had the choice... it would have been me. I would have given you the world. I would have given you life, even if it meant I couldn't go on. I would have done anything for you. I still feel like my body failed me. Like it's somehow my fault. If only I had been more careful or known about CMV. If only I had researched mono during pregnancy. WHY did I just trust the doctors. I trusted the doctors with the most important thing to me and they let me down. They let you down. I guess in essence that means that I let you down. I am so very sorry. I only wish I could turn back time and fix everything. As we approach your second birthday, I am struggling with a lot of grief. Tomorrow is a new day. Mommy's going to try to pull herself together for you. Goodnight sweet boy... I hope Jesus sings for you too.
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