Ah, yet another Mother's Day gone. Didn't quite feel like Mother's Day. I am blessed to have my beautiful 5 year old (who starts kindergarten this year.... where has the time gone?), my beautiful baby girl that hasn't decided to make her appearance quite yet and my sweet baby boy who would be 4 this year. I have conflicted feelings on days like these. It's easier to just ignore it all than have to deal with missing Connor and then feeling guilty for it. I should be happy about my babies that are here with me, and I am. But I could have 100 kids and still have an empty place where Connor should be. I knew that having another baby could never replace my son but I think the full brunt of it didn't really kick in until the first time I found myself sad and the guilt washed over me. All I could think was how can you be so happy and still so sad at the same time? I felt like I wasn't fully appreciating the gift growing inside me. I was trying, I really was. It's just so hard.
As my sweet baby boy's birthday approaches and my sweet girl is trying to decide when to make her entrance, I find myself so conflicted quite often. I find myself half-hoping she will not be born on his birthday because it should just belong to him and half-hoping that she will be. As her due date approaches I find myself worrying about things most moms don't find themselves worrying about. I have run over all these different things that could go wrong. And somehow, it still hasn't fully set in that I will be taking a healthy baby home with me this time (barring any horrible unexpected event.... see what I mean?). Ugh, anyway. I needed to vent I think.
Happy Mother's Day to all the mommies.
As my sweet baby boy's birthday approaches and my sweet girl is trying to decide when to make her entrance, I find myself so conflicted quite often. I find myself half-hoping she will not be born on his birthday because it should just belong to him and half-hoping that she will be. As her due date approaches I find myself worrying about things most moms don't find themselves worrying about. I have run over all these different things that could go wrong. And somehow, it still hasn't fully set in that I will be taking a healthy baby home with me this time (barring any horrible unexpected event.... see what I mean?). Ugh, anyway. I needed to vent I think.
Happy Mother's Day to all the mommies.