May. I used to love this month. It was the real beginning of summer. So many good memories. Now, it's just so painful. I wish Mother's Day and his birthday weren't so crammed together. Mother's Day is hard for me. Am I still a mother? Abso-freaking-lutely. But my son isn't here to remind me of that sometimes. I'll never receive a plaster handprint or a clay pot he made in art class. I'm never going to see his little hands painted onto a piece of paper. He'll never run to me saying he loves me. While I want to be happy, that I'm a mother, the wound is still more raw than I let myself believe it is. I feel drained from the energy I'm expending to keep going and it's only the beginning of the month. It's so much easier to put on a front so that I don't have to answer questions. I don't have to hear the same crap from people AGAIN. I know I can have another. I know that he's not in pain. I know that in your mind, I should be "over it". I mean come on, there are people that have it so much harder, right? Sure... but this is hard for ME. Please don't compare me to anyone. Don't try to make me feel better with words that really only hurt more. Just tell me you miss him too. Just tell me you love him too. Just say that you'll listen to me talk about him. I'll never get over it. I hope that one day I am not devastated by this entire freaking month. But that day is not today. Please try to understand that every birthday and every holiday is hard. I am realizing that there are dreams that I didn't realize had died with Connor. And these days make my brain think about the what-if's. I am putting these dreams to rest slowly, as they show themselves. Please be patient with me. I don't want your attention or your pity. I want you to understand that this is hard. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. I wonder ,as we near his 3rd birthday, what he would look like... what he would like to eat... who his favorite super hero would be.... and you know what? I do this EVERY SINGLE birthday. Because I suddenly have new things to think about. He shouldn't just be growing up in my imagination and May makes me realize how unfair this all is. In the three years since we had Connor, I realize that I am facing new obstacles every single day. I just need everyone to understand that I need your support. I need love. And I need you to stop telling me to be thankful for what I have. I am thankful but I want my son and nothing will change that. Please let me grieve these dreams that I am realizing are never going to be a reality. Let me mourn my son. Without your snide comments and your "tough love". Do not be afraid to let me talk about him and do not be afraid to see me cry. It will happen no matter what. To the people who make an effort to remember my son with me: you may see me cry but it is not out of sadness. It is out of joy, love and gratefulness that he had such loving friends and family. My son knew nothing but LOVE. How wonderful is that? I believe that he felt no fear or sadness. His father was right there, touching him and holding him his entire life. He knew that I loved him. We had an incredible bond. I am thankful for the time I had with him. I am thankful of all the times he kicked me and wiggled inside me. But these things don't make me any less sad that I didn't get to see him grow and learn. That I didn't get more time with him. I don't think I'll ever be okay with that. In exactly two weeks, I will have a three year old. I almost can't believe it myself.