Alright. Now that we have passed our first year mark and then some, I think I am finally coming to a place where I am not lost in my grief. I am beginning to come back into my own skin, although it has changed a little. I don't think I will get to the blog every day but I will try to do better than once every five months!!! I thought writing in a blog would help me as I was (and still am) grieving my son but I found that I already have so much going on that it falls to the way-side a lot. I am currently loving my job, my family and most parts of my life. :) I don't think I am ever going to stop grieving. Granted, I don't fall apart every day or even every week anymore but I still have my moments. Just a month ago, I found myself crying into a bowl of lima beans because I hadn't had them since I was pregnant and I was taken back to the last time I had eaten them. When everything was normal and we were still expecting a baby. And although I am still crying inside more frequently than I like to admit, those tears are not reaching my eyes near as often as they have in the past. I have not delved much into things about Connor's birthdate and year other than knowing that his birthstone is Emerald. What I learned today. My son's flower is : Lily of the Valley or Hawthorn meaning "Sweetness; Humility; Return of Happiness / Fertility; Hope". His zodiac sign is Taurus. The website says " The zodiac sign of the Taurus is one of strength, nobility, and of course, endurance (both physical and emotional). Taurus is also renowned for wisdom and good decision making. This sign falls within a 31 day window, beginning on April 21st, and completing on May 21st. Taurus has strength days, meaning a true Taurus has his or her full characteristic from April 28th until May 14th, and completing on May 21st. Taurus has strength days, meaning a true Taurus has his or her full characteristic from April 28th until May 14th."
Then I read this under fun facts. " Babies born on 5/20/2011 will start kindergarten in 2016, be old enough to drive a car in 2027, finish high school in 2029, and will graduate from college with the class of 2033, give or take a year. Can you imagine?"
Wow... no, I can not imagine. My son will never have his first day of school. He will never come running to me when he gets hurt. He'll never be able to call me mommy. He'll never do anything that we dreamed of since we found out that we were going to be blessed with a baby. A mother not only has to let go of her child physically but she also has to learn to let go of all the dreams she had for them. Will I ever be able to do that? I'm not sure... probably not if I were to make a guess right now. Most people don't think about that. About the fact that you dreamed of the day your child would say mama for the first time or his first day of school. You dreamed about what it would be like to hear him laugh and see him play. When you lose a child, all of those dreams are ripped away from you too.
Then I read this under fun facts. " Babies born on 5/20/2011 will start kindergarten in 2016, be old enough to drive a car in 2027, finish high school in 2029, and will graduate from college with the class of 2033, give or take a year. Can you imagine?"
Wow... no, I can not imagine. My son will never have his first day of school. He will never come running to me when he gets hurt. He'll never be able to call me mommy. He'll never do anything that we dreamed of since we found out that we were going to be blessed with a baby. A mother not only has to let go of her child physically but she also has to learn to let go of all the dreams she had for them. Will I ever be able to do that? I'm not sure... probably not if I were to make a guess right now. Most people don't think about that. About the fact that you dreamed of the day your child would say mama for the first time or his first day of school. You dreamed about what it would be like to hear him laugh and see him play. When you lose a child, all of those dreams are ripped away from you too.