Really not feeling the "holiday spirit". I guess the mix of everything just isn't in my favor today. It's hard being away from your family, especially on days like this. Even more so when you're still trying to cope with losing a child. I miss him so much and it makes me so angry because we should be taking Connor to see everyone and he should be experiencing his first Thanksgiving. I still don't understand how there could be a God who would allow some of the most awful people to have children when they don't even appreciate them. People who don't want them and don't want to have to care for them. But then there are people like us who wanted him and loved him so much and we don't get that privilege? Seems a little screwed up to me. I am so tired of people comparing my loss to breaking up with a boyfriend or losing a pet. He was NOT an animal. I carried him, felt him move, went in to so many doctors appointments to check his progress, worried myself to death, cried for him all of the time, talked to him, held his hand and I am still wishing and hoping for him even though he's gone. I'm still grieving over him. I'm so tired of two-faced, in-compassionate hypocrites. Stop pretending to be someone else. Stop pretending to be this great person when you take every chance you can to break people down. I've learned a lot from my experience. And one of those things is that although I am tired of running onto those people, you will no longer have an affect on me because I have better things to worry about. So be glad that you have healthy children and a family who loves you and stop bitching all of the time. Ridiculous. I'm a good person and if you don't want to get to know me, fine. If you want to tell people what an awful person I am, fine. Because I don't care what you have to say. It's out of your own inadequacies. I am thankful for the fact that I got to carry my sweet boy for 27 whole weeks. I am thankful for my wonderful boyfriend who has helped me get through all of this without making me feel bad for what I feel. I am thankful for my wonderful support group. I am also thankful for all of the stupid things that some people insist on saying about me because they make me giggle sometimes. You can tell who really knows me. Be thankful for what you have, especially if you've been blessed with what some people were not. I am thankful for what I have but I am also very angry still. I shouldn't be feeling torn between life and thinking that I am being unfair to him. I'm still trying to learn that it's okay to laugh and have fun, but I'm not sure if I'll ever stop feeling guilty for it. I know it's not my fault and we did everything in our power to give him chances the doctors thought he'd never have, but I'm still angry. With God, with CMV, with.... everything really. I love all of my family and miss you guys tons.
Happy Thanksgiving sweet Connor. I wish I could tell you how thankful I am for getting to have you in my life, even if it was only for a few short hours. <3
Happy Thanksgiving sweet Connor. I wish I could tell you how thankful I am for getting to have you in my life, even if it was only for a few short hours. <3