After Connor died, I never thought I would find my faith again. Now, I am not insinuating that I don't still ask God "why?" sometimes... or that the thought that this isn't fair, doesn't cross my mind. I am in no way as close as I would like to be. But, I am finally finding comfort in God's word again. I still don't understand and I know I never will but I'm blaming God less than I used to. I know he didn't take my son from me to be spiteful or to punish me. Faith is a funny thing... it used to be so strong for me... my family instilled all the values that are commonly seen in a southern baptist community like mine was. I will admit that I rebelled and eventually questioned God and my faith... but I never stopped believing. Even when we lost Connor, I still clung to God... even if I was only yelling at him the whole time... I still found comfort in knowing that my baby was taken care of, even though I wished it were me taking care of him. These almost two years have been a flurry of emotion and it has been a series of physical and emotional tests for me. As I near Connor's second birthday, I am finding comfort in being still and letting God take over. I am finally slowing down enough to LISTEN to Him. I am in no way perfect... in fact, just the other day I was thinking about how unfair it is that we are just having to move on with life... I was thinking about how I should be picking my son up from daycare everyday on the way home and singing Veggie Tales songs in the car. I guess my point is that I still miss my son but I am trying to remember to stop worrying about the things I can not change. I am trying to push the coldness out of my heart that had made itself at home when I wasn't looking. I am trying to stop pushing God away and instead find joy in the things that I do have. I need to find comfort in the fact that my son is in the most amazing place right now and he isn't hurting anymore. I had a dream the other night about my Grandma GiGi... she had Connor in her arms and was meeting my son and my daughter for the first time... she was sitting on the couch playing with Katie and showering them both with kisses. It made me smile and cry all at the same time. My Grandma GiGi passed away when I was just 15... and we were always pretty close... I love to think that she's the one keeping him company in Heaven. <3