Well, this year feels a little different for me. I'm still finding myself struggling sometimes but I've actually felt some Christmas spirit that I haven't felt since Connor died. It's different but in a good way. It feels good to let go of it all and just revel in how blessed we really are. I'm using my energy this year to focus on some light Christmas shopping, baking and giving our daughter my undivided attention when she's with us. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own grief and worries that I forget she still needs us so much. I forget sometimes that she's sad that her brother isn't here too and she's still a baby (but don't you dare tell her I said that. She's 4 years old now and is considering herself a "big girl" nowadays). Sometimes I find myself feeling guilty if I don't feel like reading her "one more story" before bed time or rubbing her back for just a few more minutes. When I have those moments, I make sure I take extra time the next day to do something special with her. I'm doing my best and I guess that's all I can really do. I love her like my own and I hope she always knows how much I care. I found myself stumbling over my own words a few weeks ago when she and I were cuddling before bed time. She looked at me and stared for a minute and then said something she's said before and I never know quite how to answer. "Kimmi, I miss Connor and I really wish I could see him." All I could say is "Me too baby. But Connor's in Heaven and he's not sick anymore." How do you explain something so tragic to someone so innocent, so young? So now our bedtime routine includes singing a song that I used to sing to her when she was little and inconsolable and that I sang to Connor as I laid on the couch and felt him kick. We sing "Heaven" by Warrant. Sure, it's not a normal lullaby but it's what my daddy used to sing to me when I was little and it's always had a special place in my heart. When both of us really miss him, we look at his pictures and hold his teddy bears. I do not hide his things from her (as some people suggested I should). I think she should know about her brother and she should be able to love him, even though he's in Heaven. No, she does not understand completely but I will not shield her from his death completely. It isn't fair. We have been through so much and I still hurt but it is not as heavy as before. I will be celebrating his life this Christmas and trying to remember that he is celebrating with Jesus. This was a hodgepodge of information for this post but I think it's all relevant. Things may not be how you planned but you kind of have to make the best of it. So, tonight I will be finding all of our stockings and getting some